Be Known for Showing Up

It’s been seven weeks since my baby died. I had him or her close to my heart for seven or eight weeks, so it’s just an interesting thought. I wanted to tell everyone a day or two after I found out, but with Christmas coming we thought it would be so much fun to surprise the kids around the tree. We were going to get Melody a onesie that said “Big Sister,” and see if they would figure it out. So fun; what a memory that would be.

But, the day before my husband had his wisdom teeth taken out, the bleeding started. I tried to shrug it off, but I knew. It was the beginning of the end. I was a bit more prepared this time for what to expect. At least I was home, and could go through the physical process alone.

We were quite a team. He had some kind of reaction to his procedure that left him with a splitting migraine for weeks. I alternately cried, self-loathed, and yelled for no reason. I’m still stuck on the self-hatred. Our poor children are so gracious, and tried so hard to make us smile. They know that when Mommy’s crying, it’s not because of them. Elijah, who’s three, will just wrap his arms around my neck and stay there. Compassion is so beautiful in the young, it is unfettered. We named the baby Jordan; we all decided together.

I am so thankful for my two friends that checked in on me, and another who brought a crockpot full of supper. I don’t know what I would have done. My heart was broken; my dreams shattered. There was a beautiful life, and then it was gone. I am just sick.

If I could go back and change things, I so would. I would have proudly told the world, or our little world anyways, about the new life that was blooming. I know some people like to wait but I just don’t get it. A baby is a baby is a baby. I know not everyone agrees with me, but when I saw the second line on the seven different tests, the furthest thing from my mind was a clump of cells. I could feel the weight of a full baby after a feed. The way they streeeetch their arms up and stick out their bum. When they make the most ridiculous faces, crossing their eyes, sticking out their tongues. Oh, the smell. I just wanted to hold him or her so bad. Darn the people who would have commented stupid stuff. Seriously, we know how babies are made, and we are really, really good at it. I’ll link to our instructional DVD later.

Instead of taking my vitamins, drinking my protein shakes and being so careful to avoid caffeine, I got to cry alone, take care of my husband and come up with chili for a prior commitment. Bring my girls to dance class while still feeling the life drain out of me. Smile and chuckle when the fourth person TODAY asks “when is the next one coming?” The world changed, the world hurt, and there was no reprieve.

Now I’m coming out of the fog. I still cry, every freaking day. New babies, commercials, news reports of babies hurt or abused literally break me. I’m not as angry, not as raw, a bit calmer, but still just. So. Sad. I am so sad. Seriously. What was the point of all this awful heartache?

I got to learn things, so there’s that. I learned the importance of showing up. My two friends- neither of them had gone through this. They probably didn’t know exactly what to say. But they knew the importance of just being there for the heartache. They knew that a quick text or praying for comfort for someone is a healing balm for the soul. The being alone in your grief and pain- or worse, being alone with a pile of kids to watch and teach all day- is not where we are supposed to be.

We are supposed to commune. To lift each other up, to encourage, to celebrate and to cry. I have never known that as deeply as I do now. We need to look out for each other, especially those on the sidelines. But people can’t support and care if they don’t know.

So I encourage us to be a bit more real with each other. There are people in your life who will love you and support you. Make sure they know where you’re at.

And if you know that someone is hurting, reach out. Say the wrong thing. Do the wrong thing. It’s always better than no thing. They will see your heart. And even if they don’t, you will know that you did your best.

We need to be known for showing up, not known for our absence.

8 thoughts on “Be Known for Showing Up

  1. I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful baby. My heart hurts for you and your family. Thank you for your heart to post this. I lost my baby after i had Joss and it did mean something. I have started the mourning process finally as i I to believe it wasnt just a bunch of cells. God has shown me this and has given me permisdion to live and mourn my little Faith. It it diddicult but little Jordan will meet you and Sim at the gates. What a joy it will be. God bless you💗

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  2. Oh my dear friend….. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby….. I feel your mothers heart and am crying with you. Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart ❤️😘❤️

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  3. We are so sorry to hear about your loss!! Thank you so much for sharing your soul with others…especially the hard stuff. It’s easy to share the good stuff but takes a strong and humble person to share the stuff that brings us to tears and makes us scream and cry. My heart breaks for all of you. Jordan is a beautiful name!! The silver lining is that Jesus will take good care of him until you meet again!!

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  4. oh sweetheart so sorry to hear you going threw this ……you are a wonderful person and yes a baby is a baby is a baby…once you know a new life is beginning , well it has begun , bottom line …and when we feel that little promise vanishing without being able to reach out and do anything about it , well that is devastating to us mommies …after all that is what we do …we live our entire lives wrapped around others…constantly weaving the fabric that binds us …so when a thread lets loose, or unravels it is second nature to us to just stitch it all back together , but when the thread is broken and we have a loose end that cant be tucked back in when …even though it may be the smallest of threads ..there still is a gap that lets a little draft in …we can weave in and around that small spot , but a mommy will always know where in her weaving that little space was….sending heart felt love , kindness, and sympathy your way…I was just talking with a grieving mom this week about a son she lost two years ago….be gentle with yourself , as others dont always see or know what is happening inside of another ..you are a women of many gifts Sandra…by sharing your thoughts the way you do you open up so much more about us as humans , women , communities , families …the 27th anniversary of the lose of my sweet babes Michael and Drew is coming up on Valentines Day…each year you think well maybe i should move on by NNNOOOOOO that will never happen, they are a part of my dna , my personnel tapestry…because they were , just for a little time …I am , just as you are more in-tuned with the world around me …I am grateful for everything I am , I see, that I can give…and I know they came and left for a reason …some day I will hold their tiny hands ,and rock them …I know this sweetheart because that is what has been promised…and I believe in that

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  5. Cindy (Bulloch) Mehenka says:
    January 26, 2019 at 3:14 pm

    oh sweetheart so sorry to hear you going threw this ……you are a wonderful person and yes a baby is a baby is a baby…once you know a new life is beginning , well it has begun , bottom line …and when we feel that little promise vanishing without being able to reach out and do anything about it , well that is devastating to us mommies …after all that is what we do …we live our entire lives wrapped around others…constantly weaving the fabric that binds us …so when a thread lets loose, or unravels it is second nature to us to just stitch it all back together , but when the thread is broken and we have a loose end that cant be tucked back in when …even though it may be the smallest of threads ..there still is a gap that lets a little draft in …we can weave in and around that small spot , but a mommy will always know where in her weaving that little space was….sending heart felt love , kindness, and sympathy your way…I was just talking with a grieving mom this week about a son she lost two years ago….be gentle with yourself , as others dont always see or know what is happening inside of another ..you are a women of many gifts Sandra…by sharing your thoughts the way you do you open up so much more about us as humans , women , communities , families …the 27th anniversary of the lose of my sweet babes Michael and Drew is coming up on Valentines Day…each year you think well maybe i should move on by NNNOOOOOO that will never happen, they are a part of my dna , my personnel tapestry…because they were , just for a little time …I am , just as you are more in-tuned with the world around me …I am grateful for everything I am , I see, that I can give…and I know they came and left for a reason …some day I will hold their tiny hands ,and rock them …I know this sweetheart because that is what has been promised…and I believe in that
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